Fts

What if I just fail in all I do? 

I can't take this anymore. Can I get permission to give up yet? 

Had the worst break down today, and now at 3.53am, I can't sleep. 

PS, I hope you come to find out that it was never about you or us. It's just the pressure and stress kicking in I guess. Please tell me I can give up already

Faith

The comfort level for this change is just not there. Urgh.

Are We Not Human Too?

It is indeed a dog-eat-dog world we live in.

Doesn't mean that someone has more power just because someone is richer or of higher position or have a better education background. Yes sure, they deserve to have more say because they worked to earn that position. But that doesn't make everyone else slaves.

I don't care if you're the middle person or if you're a client, just because the person you have to answer to is a very busy person, doesn't make me a very free person. It sure is my job to get things done for you, but fuck it, be reasonable?

If someone else can do a better work. why don't you ask that person to do it?
If someone else can deliver the standards you're looking for, why did you ask us to do it?

Hate this bias world we live in.

Stressed Out

When you feel like you have no breathing space.
When you feel so vexed, you just want to break down.
When you feel like there's a million things in your head, yet you can't seem to sort them out.

Superficial

You guys turned out to be so superficial and fake and everything in that drift. It's really beyond what I'll ever expect. I'm honestly really embarrassed to be related to you.

Perfectly Aligned

The feeling to be given what your heart desires is a wonderful yet fearful thing.
It constantly makes you feel like you didn't deserve your own good fortune; that this was all an error and that someone else probably deserves it more than you do.

There's nothing you wouldn't do, nothing you wouldn't sacrifice, to keep your hearts desire once you have it.

It's both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply.

I cannot make you understand, I cannot make anyone understand, whats happening inside me.
I cannot even explain it to myself.

Rest In Peace

I'll never be ready for your departure. I miss you so much, kong <3 Hope you're in a happier place now, reunited with mama & dancing away. Love you always.

good old days!

maybe i would consider ken a mummy's boy, but i don't mind! i wouldn't say he's scared of her, but he definitely respects and takes her feelings and intentions into consideration, and that's really nice, no?

staying up to do some work and a random thought struck me and i thought it would be nice to blog it down!
the first 2-3 years of our relationship was really craaaayyyyyyyy! we fight about everything, we were (g)damn obsessed with each other that meeting everyday became a habit. heck, our parents even communicated through facebook message (then whatsapp eventually) about our curfews and all that stuffs.

favourite memory was when we snuck out of our homes at 3am. ken cabbed over to my place and we walked over to macdonalds together (&it was a saturday!) we sat there and just talked and laugh about how crazy we were to sneak out, ordered the breakfast set then waited for the first bus to head down to church for our/my duty.

we obviously knocked out in between shifts and that night, but it was definitely one of my favourite memories :)

i think im secretly a truant locked up in my own cage hahahaha! given the appropriate company and "chances" i actually think i might go wild ha ha ha

so many have happened and till today, it still amuses me that we've lasted six freaking years.
from prelims to olevels, polytechnic to graduating with diploma, and now army and work life. (also, from a churchy to a... fill-in-the-blanks) 2000 over days is no joke, but i'm looking forward to many more years and a possible future with you heh <3

teneleven

and then we turn six :) 

today marks the sixth time we've celebrated our anniversary. 

ken always asks, "bb why do you love me?"
honestly when I think of reasons why i love my significant other, i realised that i tend to think of big-picture reasons and overlooking the endearing, smaller moments of intimacy.

it makes me feel good and important when i'm your source of motivation.
it puts me in great spirits when you bother dressing up when we go out.
it makes me feel loved when you talk to me about what our married life could be.
also, over the years i've learnt that when you say "i never ever want to see you sad", i know you really mean it.
it makes me happy that when you're having your own adventures, regardless of how amazing it was, ultimately at the end of the day you actually want to hear about how my day went.
you give me this great feeling of appreciation when your thoughtfulness extends to the people i love, and not just me.

no matter how awesome a day i had, it's not complete without coming back to you.

you make me feel like all the silly worries that used to weigh me down don't feel so unmanageable.
and it comforts me to know that the thought of committing doesn't scare me or make me uneasy or unsure, but instead, it inspires me.

i have dreams to be successful and to make something of myself, but it's comforting to know that someone else wants that same health and happiness for me, too.

i'm simply happy to know that you are and will always be a part of my life.

i'm really blessed to have you, so thank you ken <3

(it took me extremely long to draft this cheeseballs post out, but i mean everything i said and i hope you like it. happy anniversary, love.)

blabberblobs

army hasn't been too tough to handle since enlistment and i've been thankful for it the whole way through. 

it was so comforting to know that K has met really great people there. 

it was so comforting to know that regardless of how he dreads booking in, seeing his friends would make him feel better.

it was so comforting to know that although things may get tough, his buddies were there to cheer him on.

there was almost nothing for me to worry about. although it was tiring at times when i have to keep churning words and methods to keep K motivated especially when I feel low myself, i could live with it. on top of that, i learnt to treasure receiving texts from K throughout the day when i least expect it. that 9 weeks really thought me to be more independent and to be thankful for the little things here and there.

and then comes the posting to different vocations.

things have never gotten tougher. 

it's difficult that K doesn't have in there to cheer him on, to help him pass time faster.

it's difficult that the job scope isn't in his favour.

all of that makes it tough for me because i know he's not in a happy place.

the toughest of all is that i don't get to talk to him all day until night falls, which limits us to a maximum of 3 hours of text/talk time a day. 

this loneliness kills me really.

thanks to deepavali public holiday yesterday, K got to book out the night before for a whole day. but with the lifestyle he has now, it has made me miss him so much more. truthfully, i've never missed K this much since his enlistment even though this is probably the shortest period we've ever been apart. 

i'm not sure what's gotten into me, but i'm really hoping things get better from here.

note to self:

you gotta fight some bad days to earn better days in life.

keep counting your blessings instead of thinking of the burdens.

you're stronger than you think you are.

blessed

turned twenty-one recently and never felt more loved/blessed <3

with no intentions of holding a party or whatsoever, i thought it was just gonna be dinner with ken or close friends at most! i've always loved planning parties and surprises for friends, and this year i got to experience what a great feeling it is to spend this special day/moment with special people.

so here's a heartfelt thank you to each and everyone who were part of the surprise and/or the video :')

and a huge huge huge T H A N K Y O U to the boyfriend for making all of this happen.

yay it was successful! <3

Adaptation.

Sent ken off yesterday with a strong front but a really heavy heart. I thought that was tough until I went through night 1 and now day 1 without being able to constantly hear from him.

They say it will get better with time, but as of now it just feels like it's harder and harder to bear. I miss ken a lot :(

It was easy to tell ken "3 WEEKS BECOME 4 DAYS LEH" but I'm dying at day 1, someone help me.

Dejected

I just need alone time to think and pen down exactly how I feel, so that's what I'm gonna do now.

I feel creatively drained. So drained that I constantly doubt my interest in design. But then again, I don't really know what else I can do. I like to teach but I'm not smart enough to do that, or at least its not shown or proven black-and white for me to even be qualified to learn further.

I feel like I'm never good enough. Like wherever my standards may be, it's just perpetually way below average. I'm not good enough to fit anywhere. Or I just really don't know how to present/express myself.

I feel extremely pressured, extremely dejected. It feels like everyone is pushing me way past my limits without knowing how much I've tried or how affected I am about this myself. I don't really need anyone else to make me feel worse because I think this is the lowest I've felt all my life.

If the world was to end back in 2012, I think I'd willing be one of the floating corpse rather than to fight for a space on the boat to live.

I feel like the only person I can talk about anything to is Ken. Although he definitely does not understand how I feel completely, he knows best. I wish I could talk to my mum about this and actually get constructive advise or some encouragements, but it really just feels like she doesn't even try to understand.

Fragile

Don't ever remember myself being this weak in the past. 

I feel incredibly stressed out over countless of things. I used to be able to joke and laugh things off then feel better after that. Nowadays, I get extremely irritable when I'm feeling stressed. I get especially sensitive to the way others talking to me- the tone. The moment I feel annoyed at the way you talk to me, ✋ leave me alone. 

And I keep asking myself if I might need psychological help. Sometimes I think I'm driving myself crazy.

Cautious

Think I've grown to become very cautious. 

Except for that handful, I don't really know who I can trust and who's just faking it infront of me. Many times I catch myself trying to get close to someone by trying to open up to them. I always end up feeling like I appear really fake. 

I hate this. I'm not sure if it's overthinking but it's definitely something I'd wanna learn to get over.

What a failure. Nothing is working out. Why so lousy and stupid

About to give up

Not quite sure why I have such high expectations of myself and the things I do. With that I disappoint myself all the time and I always end up having expectations of others.

No doubt the expectations I give myself, I actually have very little confidence, very low self-esteem. Nothing I ever do is good enough to make me happy.

Why do I let myself lead such a life?
Sometimes I wish that there would be someone who could fully understand me in this situation.
I wish there would be someone who can guide me out of this. I'm so tired of feeling disappointed of myself so much.

There are times I give up telling people how I feel or explaining things simply because I know it does not make me feel any better, but even dumber instead.
There are times I catch myself trying to make people around me give up on me because I simply can't/don't know how to get myself out of this.

This is fucking exhausting.

That lost feeling when you don't know what you really want to do in life.
That feeling when you feel like you know what you might be able to do, but zero opportunities given.
That feeling when you get rejected and end up feeling more lost than ever.

When none around seems to understand exactly how this feels.
When people around you tell you its okay.
When people around you tell you there are a lot more options in life.
When people around you says there are more opportunities.
When people say "when one door closes, another door opens"

You keep trying but nothing ever seems to work out.
You keep trying and there's no results it just seems like it's a waste of time.

That hopeless feeling
That lost feeling
That confused feeling

I always wished I was abit closer to being perfect.

Done looking for the critics
Cause they're everywhere
They don't like my jeans
They don't get my hair

Exchange ourselves
And we do it all the time
Why do we do that?
Why do I do that?

Dammit

Just feeling extremely upset and lots of bottled up anger in me too.

Been feeling like this for a couple of days already and I haven't felt like this in awhile. 

So much to think about. So much I wish I could not care. 

Things you tell others

I'm not sure if you realize how much it affects me

& They told me I dont need to worry

At this stage, I think what I feel now is desperation. 

I feel the need to have it. I just need an answer bcos this wait is killing me.

Fail

I feel like a failure in life.

How is it that this is what I always wanted to do, but you who had complete no interest, is doing so much better than me?

How is it that now I'm having this damn career dilemma?

If only I was less of a dumbass -.-

Dilemma

The thing about growing up is that they're so many choices to make. These choices could really make or break you. These choices would affect your life for at least the next >2 years and probably cost a ton of money.

But then I think this time I made a right choice, I just hope I get it though. Really thankful for the extremely supportive Boyf and group of friends I have, for encouraging me to take it on :) 

Note to self: I need to learn to not think too much about what the other might think/say though. Just the thought of how you guys would give me the "wtf" look or talk behind my back about MY choices, irks me. Even the bestfriends questions about why I care about what you judgey people think.

 

I really hope I get it. I feel so excited just thinking about majoring in that field. Also, really happy that I managed to find some balls to tell her! 

Well now, f i f t y o n e more days / seven weeks.

I CAN DO THIS

Sick

Not feeling good today - bad start to a new week and bad end to the month.

Like as feel coming down with a fever, flu and throat infection exactly one week ago wasn't bad enough.

Went to bed at 3am after 5 hours of packing my room. Couldn't get a proper sleep because I was feeling nauseous as hell. Got up at 5.30am and vomited a bit. Felt slightly better and managed to take a short nap before my alarm went off.

Vomited again a lot more this time but didn't feel any better after.
Cabbed to work.

9.45am: At work and still feeling like shit.

Thoughts

Keep having thoughts of wanting to just hide in a room. Alone. Forever.

Or migrate and start anew.

2013/2014

Haven't done my 2013/2014 post, so here it goes -

2013 saw my through a whole lot of achievements and "life-changing-events"

In January 2013, I submitted my last ever FYP. I would say I'm pretty proud of it - all the nights of staying up to finish up my work felt extremely worth it.

Skipping school, camping at my place/ken's to do work for days and nights!

 

Right after submission, we went full force to prepare for out graduation show, Unit13: Raw which was a huge success. The nights we stayed in school till late to prepare the books, panels, advertising.. etc, and the touching moment seeing the entire event happening :')
 

 

I went for my first cruise and my first holiday with Ken (& his family) end March 2013, I would say I prefer being on land than on sea hahahaha. But it was a good experience either way!

 

 

 

And then, in was in my face - adulthood. I started my first ever full time job on 1st April 2013. Till date, I would honestly say I've mixed feelings about this job.

 

 

Cant deny though, I really loved it at the start. But now I'm just thinking twice about my career path. Growing up is tough.

 

In the midst of that, I officially graduated from Poly. Never felt more accomplished, really. It was 3 years of many, many mixed feelings!

 

 

Also, I went for my first trip with Ken (without parents/school/church whatsoever) to Bangkok to meet the bestfriend from across the globe! It was a really awesome trip, flight there alone, staying at N's house and the very nice hotel.. Bangkok just really is the land of smiles!

 

   

 

 

Not forgetting how I squeezed with the crowd with Ken just to take a peep at Gordon Ramsey.. It was CRAZY and I'll probably never want to do it again!

How I went to get tickets for us to go see The Final One live but of course, we completely regretted because the sound system was a nightmare.

And the line up of event I planned for dear boyfriend's 20th birthday - Café hopping to exhibitions to bbq with the st gabs boys to dinner with churches and to SEA Restaurant with your family, hope it was good for you :)

 

 

 

Ken also visited awesome Batu Pahat for the first time ever with us when we went up for Gugu's wedding! I was so happy haha.

 

My birthday! It was pretty good too even though I fell sick. So glad for the friends (&family) for making it such a nice birthday.

 

 

Also, thanks to my so cool cousin, Han & I got tickets to One Republic and it was the best everrrr <3

 

 

 

Somehow, Masheyr managed to convince me (and ken) to go for my first run ever in 5 years! Although it was quite fail for me, now I know how ultra unfit I am. Hahahaha.

 

 

We can't forget how happy Ken was when he finallyyyyyy purchased the music equipment he has always wanted! Excited boy!

 

 

I also went for my forth free USS trip with the best bunch.

 

And then, Christmas.

& my scholar sister- 

Lastly, the best of all is probably the fact that boyfriend and I hit our fifth year in 2013 :)

& did I mention I passed my driving? :p

 

No resolutions for 2014 because I'm not gonna fulfill it anyway, but have a great year everyone! <3

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm giving up on you

Maybe I'm just not blessed to meet many good people in life. But when I come across one, I really treasure you. Of current, family aside there's only a handful, and I'm really thankful for each of you.

Keep telling myself not to be bothered by you guys and the words that comes out of you. But no, it affects me every single time. Dammit. & You're such a hypocrite.

Need to be stronger

keep feeling lousy about myself.
the smallest thing could just bring me down.

stupid me.

Stuck at the crossroad

Not sure if it's sad that I get your attention most only when we fight.
Not sure if it's sad that the longer messages I get from you is only when we fight.
Not sure if it's sad that that means we have nothing much to say to each other, other than times when we fight.
Not sure if it's sad that we can't agree that we don't understand each other especially at times when we fight.

We fight every time I try to get your attention. My fault.

How much do you care?

...Or do you care at all?

Do you care that D and I can't communicate at all?
Do you care that I'm starting to hate Y and you're not helping at all just because you want to save yourself the trouble of being the middle person?
Do you care that I'm always being put in the spot and you telling me,"I don't want to hear this kind of things" is damn bloody selfish?
Do you care that every single word you say actually affects me a whole fucking lot and yet you never ever say anything nice? You're just freaking sarcastic.
Do you care that you bring me down every single time?
Do you care that you (&him) are the main reason why I build walls or have no self-esteem at all?
Do you care that I feel horrible about myself and everything every single night and that I cry myself to sleep all the time?
Do you care?
D o   y o u   c a r e   ?

Or are you just going to tell me,"How I care?" like you don't give two fucks at all?

Words

That moment when you know exactly what/how to say to make me melt and die a little inside. To soften my heart and yearn for you like never before.

Might just give up

Every other day I complain about how hard is it to get by the day bcos I'm losing interest in what I do here. But I really never knew my limits of "how hard" I could handle till today. It's a torture trying to hold my tears back, a struggle to not show my emotions to the colleagues and a challenge to force myself to be strong.

Also, due to the lack of sleep last night, I'm feeling extremely light headed, giddy and abit warm.

4 more hours till work ends.

\\\

How do you differentiate between your feelings towards something/someone to it being a habit or a practice you're way used to?

After 5 years,
how do you tell if you really love the person or is it just a habit to care for him?
how do you tell if you really love the person or is it just a habit to want to make things better, to make him/her happy?
how do you tell if you really love the person or is it just a habit to want to help them, want to make their lives better?
how do you tell if you really love the person or is it just a habit to need them around?

How?

They say love yourself before you love another, trust yourself before you trust another.
But how do you make yourself trust yourself again?

I lie here pretending to sleep but a million thoughts run through my head

Gets harder

Losing so much interest in this field, it's so hard to get by each day here. I really want to try something different and I really hope my application get through :/

Issues?

Yesterday Ken and I had a little tiff, and he said,

 

"I know you have trust issues but -"

I think it's getting so bad I'm building the walls up high as ever.

Help

Been feeling down way too much of recent. My emotions are probably worse than a roller coaster's ride already. Just like now.

It was all okay and manageable just less than half an hour ago, yet now I feel like shit. 

I hate this thing I'm going through, a lot. I feel like I need help to pull this side of me out from me. I might just explode and go crazy one day from being me. I can't.

Note to self that crying to sleep is definitely not a remedy or a solution. But, help.